Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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