her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
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I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
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