We're like a lot better than the average bears
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish you could order shots online.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
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He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
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You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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