I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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