Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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