I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
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do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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