the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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