toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
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our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
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No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
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