I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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