He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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