so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
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My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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