In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
