Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
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Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
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And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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