I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
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showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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