I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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