i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
