everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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