3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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