I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
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I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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