the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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