If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize