i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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