Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
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He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
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Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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