Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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