Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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