There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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