I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize