So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
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you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
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It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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