what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
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And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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