We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
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What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
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found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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