Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
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I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
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"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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