My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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