I wish my penis had an off switch
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
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i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
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Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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