The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
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Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
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the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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