The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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