Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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