I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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