Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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