Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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