i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize