Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
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Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
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And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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