you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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