I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
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Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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