last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
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His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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