We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize