Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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