final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize