Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
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I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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