I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
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I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
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Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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