i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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