does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
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I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
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We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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